Small things make a big difference in what you achieve.
I recently read an article about Walt Bettinger, CEO of Charles Schwab. When he interviews someone he takes them to breakfast and asks the wait staff to get the order wrong on purpose. Then he watches the candidate react. Bettinger knows you can learn a lot about someone’s leadership by observing them talk to people in lower power positions. Are they respectful and courteous? Or are they short and talk down to them? Do they say “please” and “thank you”?
This idea is similar to the one behind The Achievement Habit, a book by Professor Bernard Roth, academic director and cofounder of Stanford University’s d.school. In his book, Roth discusses “how swapping simple words and phrases we are used to saying multiple times a day can reprogram the way we think about and view perceived obstacles that stand in the way of personal success.”
Changing the way we say things changes our behavior. This changes our lives. It’s pretty compelling. And I think it’s an appropriate concept to apply to leadership and your life.
Here are 5 of the top words and phrases Roth recommends we swap out to get past the mental roadblocks that our everyday word choices create.
- Use “and” instead of “but”: Roth states “We often use ‘but’ in place of ‘and’…This substitution is so common that it sounds correct. Unfortunately it often has the effect of changing a neutral statement into a negative one.” The idea here is that we often place “but” in between two truths. For example, “I want to go to the store, but I don’t like driving at night.” The second statement becomes an excuse. It creates conflict and places limitations on what is possible. If you replace “but” with “and” you are more likely to see possibility and search for solutions.
- Say “want to” instead of “have to”: Using the words “has/have to” implies that a situation has been forced upon us instead of “willingly chosen by us” – something that is almost always a misconception. Here’s an example from my own life. I often say “I ‘have’ to work out.” But that’s not true. If instead I say I ‘want’ to work out I am much more likely to do it. A corollary to that point: If I decide to skip my workout I should say “I chose to skip the gym” which requires more ownership than “I couldn’t get to the gym.”
- Use “won’t” instead of “can’t”: Most of the time when someone says they ‘can’t’ do something, it actually means they ‘won’t’ learn how. Roth writes “The simple change of ‘can’t’ to ‘won’t’ is often empowering…’Can’t’ implies helplessness; ‘won’t’ signifies volition and choice.” The other brilliant thing about this simple change is that it forces us to be explicit about these choices that we make many times each day.
- Say “I’d like to” instead of “I’m afraid to”: “I’m afraid to” is self-limiting. “It acknowledges the person’s fear instead of their desire.” Michael Grothaus, uses the example of asking for a raise in his FastCompany article. If you focus on being afraid to ask for a raise, you bring up further thoughts on why you’re afraid – my boss will think I’m greedy, maybe I’m not as good at my job as I thought. In essence, you bring up negative thoughts. Instead focus on why want a raise. What will it mean for your and your family? How will it also benefit the company? These are good feelings.
- Use “assist” instead of “help”: This one is my favorite and most applicable to the way we view our coworkers. To “help” someone implies that that person is incapable of accomplishing the task alone. To “assist” someone suggests that he or she is capable of doing it alone and that they are an important part of the solution. It affirms you and your coworker.
Our words have meaning. Little changes can have a big impact. Do you see how these small changes could change how you view yourself and what you can achieve in life? How could these changes in language (and behavior) improve your leadership? These phrases will improve your relationships with those you lead, and help them to see their own potential.
One of my favorite tools from our new book, The Approachability Playbook, is about creating the Right Space where employees feel comfortable and safe when approaching you. Creating the Right Space is about the little things you do that effect how you’re perceived by others. It’s not just the physical space you create or whether you are available. It’s also about the verbal and behavioral space.
Are the words you say to those you lead empowering them or keeping them down? Do you listen for and assist others with changing their self-limiting talk? These are little things that matter a lot. And they are easy to overlook during a busy day. Be a leader who achieves by looking for ways to assist your coworkers with knocking down their mental roadblocks. Your teammates will thank you.
What do you think about Professor Roth’s idea of how our words change our reality? Do you think the same is true in leadership? Can you think of any little things you do or say that might be pushing those you lead in the wrong direction?
